11/20/24
I miss my hometown.
I fly back and forth from where I’m at now and to the North Slope of Alaska for work. It’s different up there than the town I grew up in on the Peninsula, but I often have a long enough layover to walk around a bit outside the airport. And every time I do, I’m hit with this painful nostalgia. I really, really miss my hometown. I miss the sunny summer days and the cold snowy winter evenings. I miss camping in the mountains (though I haven’t since I was much younger). I miss getting Red Bull specials on my way to work every morning (though I’ve lost a lot of weight since stopping that daily habit). I miss the striking turquoise river, and the little creeks and trails just off the road everywhere you go. I miss the little hilly area on the way to Anchorage that’s straight out of a Ghibli film (I’m not exaggerating, I visited a couple years ago with my siblings, who said the same thing, and seeing it again felt magical and brought me to tears). I miss the waterfalls along the Sterling Highway. God, I miss my mountains.
But I fear that, more than that, I miss a time I can never return to. I miss sitting with my grandparents on a quilt waiting for the parade to start. I miss Sunday afternoon get togethers my Grandma and Great Aunt would host and invite everyone to. I miss the random family gatherings with so many cousins. I miss playing in the church gymnasium after Sunday School. I miss youth group events and those weird random games they’d have us play. I miss my volleyball team. I miss my mom dragging my brother and I behind her bike on little rides around the block on our quiet dirt road when we were toddlers. I miss sitting in the backhoe with my dad, the one he occasionally let me drive. I miss going to college classes and all the labs we got to do. I miss hanging out with my friends in the Walmart parking lot, “high” off too little sleep and too much caffeine. I miss my friend’s shitty studio apartment and the time we got condoms to use as water balloons for fun. Or the time we made my now-husband-then-just-friend-I-was-pining-for (who by some miracle I pestered into finally joining our friend group and hang outs) watch Ouran High School Host Club (he hated it then and still hates it lol) on my little phone screen (or was it my iPad?).
I could go on for hours… Unfortunately, time only moves in one direction for us. Not to mention I’m an entirely different person than I was. Half those people moved away and the other half now i can’t really be myself around anymore (not if I want to get along..)
It doesn’t help, I think, that where we live now is just finally starting to feel like a “home” again (in the sense of people. Family. Friends). But I can’t stand the state we’re in, scenery-wise, weather-wise, and politics-wise. Maybe this feeling is akin to how I felt when my dad moved us from Alaska to Puerto Rico. Then, too, I had just started to feel like I belonged. Like I had friends I could hang out with all the time (and the means to actually do so, finally able to legally drive myself places). The difference now is that it’s my choice to leave. It doesn’t really hurt any less though, I think.
I think the other thing that scares me is how old my parents and grandparents are getting. My mom’s mom isn’t doing well and I think that trip my siblings and I took a couple years ago was the last time I’ll have seen her. Even if I found time and money to visit again I don’t think she’d recognize me… It just makes me miss going over to her house and playing piano or making art and talking about music. And then there’s the fact my dad’s mom has (had?) cancer this year, and her sister (who I simply call my Aunt) had a stroke a few years ago. And my mom seems to be regressing. I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore (and it makes me wonder if I ever actually could…). And my dad’s been getting kinda morbid about himself lately. I understand why but still.
I don’t know… I’ll be fine. It’ll pass and I can still visit. But I know it will be less frequent and it won’t be the same. Everyone only gets older. People and places change. I’m happier now than I was, but sometimes it just sucks that time only moves one way.
